Enough is Enough...

Much like the song, today I realised that I have been lied to and duped.

Today was the day when all my hopes crashed to the ground and my worst fears have come true.

Today, I looked at his website and found a shiny new blog, detailing the great time had at a local event he attended.

So much for all the anguish and the *I have not been able to do anything or speak to anyone for the past two weeks* Sure. Apart from having a great time at that local event and posting photos from it.

Sure. Apart from having been updating your business site when you told me you were winding it down to come back to the UK so that we could run our business together.

Sure.

I emailed him and let him know what I think. There was no swearing involved, but instead a resigned knowledge that I have wasted two years of my life loving a man who can so easily deceive me. Or so he tried.

What gets me is the question *why*? Just to rebuild his confidence in a life where (according to him) he was thought of as a loser by most people around him? Very likely, I'd say.

For a relatively cheap 6 months holiday in the UK? Still possible, I guess.

Of course, a tiny part of me now (not the biggest part, as it used to be) still thinks that this is not possible. It is not happening. Not him. Not that man.

But I am only too aware that there are people out there very capable of deceit. I just never thought it would be him. Not for a single, solitary moment.

The man I love. The man who lied so much to me.

Surely it is not possible...

Well, dear reader, it all seems to point to it being very much possible.

The sad thing is that I still want to believe that he loves me. That he is not capable of this. That he will tell me I am being silly and that there is a very plausible explanation to all this.

Even sadder is that I don't even think he will reply... And all I want to be able to say *I don't care*.

Now I have to really move on.

Wish me luck.

Andie

Haven't had much to say for a few days.

Either I am managing to get on with my life, or I am just avoiding it.

Cannot decide which...

But I did get some news on Tuesday from the man I used to, confidently, call my boyfriend.

After a silence of almost 2 weeks (it woud have been two weeks today, actually), I received an email full of anguish, aparent self-doubt, apologies and much stuff which I cannot make head or tail of, to be perfectly honest...

No break-up request, but no reassuring words either.

As it stands right now I could not tell you, dear reader, whether I am still in a relationship or not!

I replied to him. In fact I replied twice. No words of recrimination passed my keyboard. Much the opposite.

I have not heard anything back.

I am tired of this game.

I do not know what to make of it all.

Feeling like shit takes a hell of a lot of energy...

Andie

Today's Dilemma...

Should I clean the house or go to town to frivolously try on some shoes and clothes, just for the hell of it?

Please help...

Doubtful of Northants

Today I realised something...

As you may or may not have read, I am currently going through a difficult time, as my boyfriend (or the one who used to be my boyfriend) has just disappeared. He has not contacted me now for over a week. No I do not think anything bad has happened, such as injury or death.

I wrote in one of my posts that *I want him back*. However, today I realised that what I really want is *ME back*.

When you lose someone you love, you lose a huge chunk of yourself. The part who used to be in love and happy with *belonging*. If that felt like a good love, you lose a place of comfort, a mate with whom to share life. All this is not just part of someone else, but it is a very integral part of who you are and how you relate to the world.

I have now decided to *let go*, the best I can. Day by day.

I know that he is getting on with his life as I checked his website today (mainly curiosity or nostalgia) and noticed that it has been updated with new graphics, etc.
So, he has been near his pc and yet sent me no news. Well, no longer cares to anyway.

At some point you have to realise that a situation is one which you cannot win. This is what this is.

I really have no idea as to why this is happening, and I suspect that I never will.

Friends say that I should email him. Ask why. Find out what is happening.

But, why?

To me, the situation is clear and only the end result is important in this case. He has left me behind. Do I really care why? No, not really. All I care about is that he has done this. I do not need know or care about the reason. Whatever it is, it will not be something which will help me feel any better.

So, yeah. I am turning my back on this. I am walking away from the pain, from the doubts and the hurt.

I don't know whether I will ever hear from him again. I suspect not. He stayed in an unhappy marriage for 17 years because he did not like the idea of confrontation in order to get out of it, I suspect that he will not bother with what he sees as an unecessary confrontation with me, as I am that far away and he doesn't really need to *explain*.
Or so he thinks, I am becoming certain.

I guess he feels that his silence should be a strong hint. He is right.

I get it. I got the hint.

Now all I want to to regain myself. My life. My peace of mind.

I now want ME back.

Wish me luck. It may take some time...

And for what is worth this song is also helping me... It is worth listening to the words. I feel these are very true right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X33G7dXNG8c



Andie

Today's Song

Duffy - Hanging On Too Long - Rockferry album

It was just my mistake
Thinking you cared
It was just my mistake
Thinking you'd be there
That you'd be by my side
And that you wouldn't lie
My mistake

It was just my false hope
Thinking we'd last, yeah
It was just my false hope
Forgot all your pests
All those girls you denied
Smashed up hearts hung out to dry

I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
But I beat 'em all
Hanging on too long

I was a fool for you
Right from the start, yeah
I was a fool for you


Hoping for a spark
For some kind of sign
That you would be mine

I know it's wrong, I do
Hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long

My heart was clutching
To one fair right
My head was pumping
It could put up a fight

I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
And I need to move on
I'm hanging on too long

I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long

Andie

Life Lesson # 257

You should only EVER eat bean salad with raw garlic an onions if you are NOT expecting visitors, and preferable live alone...

You have been warned.

Andie

The pain goes on forever... For now, at least.

No, I am not sick. Mercifully.

But I am, nevetheless in a great deal of pain. The emotional kind.

Brief background:

I met a guy (a predictable beginning). We met in a forum of professionals in our profession, which is media-related.

We started out as friends and this developed into a deep respect, love and care for each other.

He is in the US and I am in the UK.

For a year, we IM'd, webcammed (is there suh a verb?) and looked forward to being together, but wanted to have more than a physical relationship and so *worked* on getting to know each other before he came over to the UK.

He arrived here for the first time in Feb 2008. We spent two wonderful weeks together.

He went back and there were many tears at the airport, but he vowed to return.

We continued to chat and planned his return for a 6 months period, for Aug 08.

And so it happened. He arrived here in Aug 08 and left in Feb 09. Just under 2 weeks ago, in fact.

Since his return, I have hardly heard from him. He told me that he had been sick for the first few days back. He did email me from the airport when he got back and told me he thought he'd caught a cold in the plane, and so I accepted that he may have been seriously ill for a few days and this is why he did not contact me.

We IM'd for a short period of time last Wednesday. Exactly a week ago. He emailed me on Thursday and gave me a number of reasons why he could not get online that evening and I emailed back with a reply, saying that I knew he had a lot to do and understood if he was not online so much over the weekend.

Now, here are some facts:

* He has two children and is separated, allegedly pending a divorce.
* He needs to get a job
* He needs to get a car
* He lives with his mum, following his separation. She does not know about me, for a number of reasons.

He told me that as he had been sick, he had not seen the kids since his return and was taking them to a local ethnic fair on Sunday (just gone).

I figured that he would not contact me on Sunday and completely understand.

But.. He has not contacted me since Thursday. He did not reply to my email in response to his own.

When I look back, I feel as if I am being avoided. Lied to. I don't understand.

The man whom I spent 6 months with is not ike that. He was kind. He was fun. He was considerate and appeared very sincere. We planned a future, and his return to the UK, for good, or at least for a couple of years til I could get a visa and go to the US with him.

THAT man would not have just abandoned me and left me behind like this.

But was he THAT man, really?

Unfortunately now, all my theories revolve around not such a positive ligth on his character.

I cannot help it.

The only redeeming theory is that he may have seen his kids and felt guilty and decided he could not leave them, even though we talked about having them here for the holidays until we could move to the US. Maybe he just do not know how to tell me he no longer wants to be with me, because of this guilt.

Has he felt so guilty that he decided to get back with the ex, to *play happy families* for the benefit of the kids? For what? To have a miserable *existence* with a woman who wanted the divorce as well, and who treated him with such disrespect that he lost all faith in himself?

Is there someone else?

I REALLY do not know what to think.

I have been sad, angry, tearful, disconnected, worried and every single emotion which could be connected with this situation.

I have sat in front of my pc with Outlook open every night. Nothing for nearly a week now.

I have wondered whether this man can be the biggest and best liar I have ever met, and I refuse to believe that. Surely not. But sometimes I wonder.
I don't want to wonder or think the worst, but what can I do?

You may say I could email him and ask... The truth is I am too scared to find out.

So I wait.

I wait and try to get on with my life.

The pain is enormous and sometimes too much to take.

I keep thiking that soon he will email and that there will be a really good reason for this silence, but with each passing day my hopes die a little more.

I want him back. The man I used to chat to for hours and with whom I shared the best 6 months I can recall.

Now I just wonder whether he will ever come back. Whether he still loves me. Whether he still cares.

Guess I just wanted to get ths *out there*, as all my friends know about this and I cannot really post here what one of them have said, but none can understand his behaviour either, having met him and seen how he was with me.

I hope this post will help me on my way to some peace. Be it alone or hopefully seeing him contacting me again.

Thanks for listening...

Andie