Today I realised something...

As you may or may not have read, I am currently going through a difficult time, as my boyfriend (or the one who used to be my boyfriend) has just disappeared. He has not contacted me now for over a week. No I do not think anything bad has happened, such as injury or death.

I wrote in one of my posts that *I want him back*. However, today I realised that what I really want is *ME back*.

When you lose someone you love, you lose a huge chunk of yourself. The part who used to be in love and happy with *belonging*. If that felt like a good love, you lose a place of comfort, a mate with whom to share life. All this is not just part of someone else, but it is a very integral part of who you are and how you relate to the world.

I have now decided to *let go*, the best I can. Day by day.

I know that he is getting on with his life as I checked his website today (mainly curiosity or nostalgia) and noticed that it has been updated with new graphics, etc.
So, he has been near his pc and yet sent me no news. Well, no longer cares to anyway.

At some point you have to realise that a situation is one which you cannot win. This is what this is.

I really have no idea as to why this is happening, and I suspect that I never will.

Friends say that I should email him. Ask why. Find out what is happening.

But, why?

To me, the situation is clear and only the end result is important in this case. He has left me behind. Do I really care why? No, not really. All I care about is that he has done this. I do not need know or care about the reason. Whatever it is, it will not be something which will help me feel any better.

So, yeah. I am turning my back on this. I am walking away from the pain, from the doubts and the hurt.

I don't know whether I will ever hear from him again. I suspect not. He stayed in an unhappy marriage for 17 years because he did not like the idea of confrontation in order to get out of it, I suspect that he will not bother with what he sees as an unecessary confrontation with me, as I am that far away and he doesn't really need to *explain*.
Or so he thinks, I am becoming certain.

I guess he feels that his silence should be a strong hint. He is right.

I get it. I got the hint.

Now all I want to to regain myself. My life. My peace of mind.

I now want ME back.

Wish me luck. It may take some time...

And for what is worth this song is also helping me... It is worth listening to the words. I feel these are very true right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X33G7dXNG8c



Andie