Enough is Enough...

Much like the song, today I realised that I have been lied to and duped.

Today was the day when all my hopes crashed to the ground and my worst fears have come true.

Today, I looked at his website and found a shiny new blog, detailing the great time had at a local event he attended.

So much for all the anguish and the *I have not been able to do anything or speak to anyone for the past two weeks* Sure. Apart from having a great time at that local event and posting photos from it.

Sure. Apart from having been updating your business site when you told me you were winding it down to come back to the UK so that we could run our business together.

Sure.

I emailed him and let him know what I think. There was no swearing involved, but instead a resigned knowledge that I have wasted two years of my life loving a man who can so easily deceive me. Or so he tried.

What gets me is the question *why*? Just to rebuild his confidence in a life where (according to him) he was thought of as a loser by most people around him? Very likely, I'd say.

For a relatively cheap 6 months holiday in the UK? Still possible, I guess.

Of course, a tiny part of me now (not the biggest part, as it used to be) still thinks that this is not possible. It is not happening. Not him. Not that man.

But I am only too aware that there are people out there very capable of deceit. I just never thought it would be him. Not for a single, solitary moment.

The man I love. The man who lied so much to me.

Surely it is not possible...

Well, dear reader, it all seems to point to it being very much possible.

The sad thing is that I still want to believe that he loves me. That he is not capable of this. That he will tell me I am being silly and that there is a very plausible explanation to all this.

Even sadder is that I don't even think he will reply... And all I want to be able to say *I don't care*.

Now I have to really move on.

Wish me luck.

Andie

Haven't had much to say for a few days.

Either I am managing to get on with my life, or I am just avoiding it.

Cannot decide which...

But I did get some news on Tuesday from the man I used to, confidently, call my boyfriend.

After a silence of almost 2 weeks (it woud have been two weeks today, actually), I received an email full of anguish, aparent self-doubt, apologies and much stuff which I cannot make head or tail of, to be perfectly honest...

No break-up request, but no reassuring words either.

As it stands right now I could not tell you, dear reader, whether I am still in a relationship or not!

I replied to him. In fact I replied twice. No words of recrimination passed my keyboard. Much the opposite.

I have not heard anything back.

I am tired of this game.

I do not know what to make of it all.

Feeling like shit takes a hell of a lot of energy...

Andie

Today's Dilemma...

Should I clean the house or go to town to frivolously try on some shoes and clothes, just for the hell of it?

Please help...

Doubtful of Northants

Today I realised something...

As you may or may not have read, I am currently going through a difficult time, as my boyfriend (or the one who used to be my boyfriend) has just disappeared. He has not contacted me now for over a week. No I do not think anything bad has happened, such as injury or death.

I wrote in one of my posts that *I want him back*. However, today I realised that what I really want is *ME back*.

When you lose someone you love, you lose a huge chunk of yourself. The part who used to be in love and happy with *belonging*. If that felt like a good love, you lose a place of comfort, a mate with whom to share life. All this is not just part of someone else, but it is a very integral part of who you are and how you relate to the world.

I have now decided to *let go*, the best I can. Day by day.

I know that he is getting on with his life as I checked his website today (mainly curiosity or nostalgia) and noticed that it has been updated with new graphics, etc.
So, he has been near his pc and yet sent me no news. Well, no longer cares to anyway.

At some point you have to realise that a situation is one which you cannot win. This is what this is.

I really have no idea as to why this is happening, and I suspect that I never will.

Friends say that I should email him. Ask why. Find out what is happening.

But, why?

To me, the situation is clear and only the end result is important in this case. He has left me behind. Do I really care why? No, not really. All I care about is that he has done this. I do not need know or care about the reason. Whatever it is, it will not be something which will help me feel any better.

So, yeah. I am turning my back on this. I am walking away from the pain, from the doubts and the hurt.

I don't know whether I will ever hear from him again. I suspect not. He stayed in an unhappy marriage for 17 years because he did not like the idea of confrontation in order to get out of it, I suspect that he will not bother with what he sees as an unecessary confrontation with me, as I am that far away and he doesn't really need to *explain*.
Or so he thinks, I am becoming certain.

I guess he feels that his silence should be a strong hint. He is right.

I get it. I got the hint.

Now all I want to to regain myself. My life. My peace of mind.

I now want ME back.

Wish me luck. It may take some time...

And for what is worth this song is also helping me... It is worth listening to the words. I feel these are very true right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X33G7dXNG8c



Andie

Today's Song

Duffy - Hanging On Too Long - Rockferry album

It was just my mistake
Thinking you cared
It was just my mistake
Thinking you'd be there
That you'd be by my side
And that you wouldn't lie
My mistake

It was just my false hope
Thinking we'd last, yeah
It was just my false hope
Forgot all your pests
All those girls you denied
Smashed up hearts hung out to dry

I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
But I beat 'em all
Hanging on too long

I was a fool for you
Right from the start, yeah
I was a fool for you


Hoping for a spark
For some kind of sign
That you would be mine

I know it's wrong, I do
Hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long

My heart was clutching
To one fair right
My head was pumping
It could put up a fight

I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
And I need to move on
I'm hanging on too long

I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong
Hanging on too long

Andie

Life Lesson # 257

You should only EVER eat bean salad with raw garlic an onions if you are NOT expecting visitors, and preferable live alone...

You have been warned.

Andie

The pain goes on forever... For now, at least.

No, I am not sick. Mercifully.

But I am, nevetheless in a great deal of pain. The emotional kind.

Brief background:

I met a guy (a predictable beginning). We met in a forum of professionals in our profession, which is media-related.

We started out as friends and this developed into a deep respect, love and care for each other.

He is in the US and I am in the UK.

For a year, we IM'd, webcammed (is there suh a verb?) and looked forward to being together, but wanted to have more than a physical relationship and so *worked* on getting to know each other before he came over to the UK.

He arrived here for the first time in Feb 2008. We spent two wonderful weeks together.

He went back and there were many tears at the airport, but he vowed to return.

We continued to chat and planned his return for a 6 months period, for Aug 08.

And so it happened. He arrived here in Aug 08 and left in Feb 09. Just under 2 weeks ago, in fact.

Since his return, I have hardly heard from him. He told me that he had been sick for the first few days back. He did email me from the airport when he got back and told me he thought he'd caught a cold in the plane, and so I accepted that he may have been seriously ill for a few days and this is why he did not contact me.

We IM'd for a short period of time last Wednesday. Exactly a week ago. He emailed me on Thursday and gave me a number of reasons why he could not get online that evening and I emailed back with a reply, saying that I knew he had a lot to do and understood if he was not online so much over the weekend.

Now, here are some facts:

* He has two children and is separated, allegedly pending a divorce.
* He needs to get a job
* He needs to get a car
* He lives with his mum, following his separation. She does not know about me, for a number of reasons.

He told me that as he had been sick, he had not seen the kids since his return and was taking them to a local ethnic fair on Sunday (just gone).

I figured that he would not contact me on Sunday and completely understand.

But.. He has not contacted me since Thursday. He did not reply to my email in response to his own.

When I look back, I feel as if I am being avoided. Lied to. I don't understand.

The man whom I spent 6 months with is not ike that. He was kind. He was fun. He was considerate and appeared very sincere. We planned a future, and his return to the UK, for good, or at least for a couple of years til I could get a visa and go to the US with him.

THAT man would not have just abandoned me and left me behind like this.

But was he THAT man, really?

Unfortunately now, all my theories revolve around not such a positive ligth on his character.

I cannot help it.

The only redeeming theory is that he may have seen his kids and felt guilty and decided he could not leave them, even though we talked about having them here for the holidays until we could move to the US. Maybe he just do not know how to tell me he no longer wants to be with me, because of this guilt.

Has he felt so guilty that he decided to get back with the ex, to *play happy families* for the benefit of the kids? For what? To have a miserable *existence* with a woman who wanted the divorce as well, and who treated him with such disrespect that he lost all faith in himself?

Is there someone else?

I REALLY do not know what to think.

I have been sad, angry, tearful, disconnected, worried and every single emotion which could be connected with this situation.

I have sat in front of my pc with Outlook open every night. Nothing for nearly a week now.

I have wondered whether this man can be the biggest and best liar I have ever met, and I refuse to believe that. Surely not. But sometimes I wonder.
I don't want to wonder or think the worst, but what can I do?

You may say I could email him and ask... The truth is I am too scared to find out.

So I wait.

I wait and try to get on with my life.

The pain is enormous and sometimes too much to take.

I keep thiking that soon he will email and that there will be a really good reason for this silence, but with each passing day my hopes die a little more.

I want him back. The man I used to chat to for hours and with whom I shared the best 6 months I can recall.

Now I just wonder whether he will ever come back. Whether he still loves me. Whether he still cares.

Guess I just wanted to get ths *out there*, as all my friends know about this and I cannot really post here what one of them have said, but none can understand his behaviour either, having met him and seen how he was with me.

I hope this post will help me on my way to some peace. Be it alone or hopefully seeing him contacting me again.

Thanks for listening...

Andie

Earwomed... Not sure by what or whom.

But I woke up with this song in my brain... No song could be less suitable right now.

Maybe someone is trying to tell me something. But they will have to speak louder.

Blooming 'eck. This is the song (or the part I keep *hearing*)

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream
And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams
And let your love show and you'll know what I mean it's the season
Let your love fly like a bird on a wing
And let your love bind you to all living things
And let your love shine and you'll know what I mean that's the reason


Go. Away. Right. Now.

Andie

Buddha

I am not a Buddhist, but I follow the philosophy as closely as I can.

I would like to post some quotes from Buddha which I feel are relevant to me, right now, and to all of us at some point in our lives.

* No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

* The mind is everything. What you think you become.

* A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.

* An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.

* Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

* Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

* Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.

* There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

* Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.

* Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.

* Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.

And finally the one I must remember right now, even more than the one I highlighted which also rings much truth:

* You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.


Andie

Why is it...

...that my gym's shower only seems to have two settings:

* Molten Lava

or

* Brass Monkeys

?????

By the time I managed to accomplish an even moderately acceptable water temperature I had to be on my way, as I was late to get somewhere.

Anyone else have the same problem at their gym shower?

All tales of burns and/or frozen limbs will be *ouched* at, or chuckled at.

Andie

"Could you not pick someone a bit more local?"

This was the rather tongue in cheek question my favourite cousin put to me, the last time she came to visit...

Made me think.

I was not raised in England... (I know. Shame on me) I met my now former husband whilst he was holidaying in Rio. I was at uni. My family background is a story for another time...
Anyway, I frequented the *local* pub, where all the English ex-pats and those on holiday met. It was a world cup year and I was there ever day after uni to meet my friends and watch the games.

I met him there. We fell in love. No nookie or any funny businees. I am a good girl (polishes halo).

He left for England after two weeks.

We sent letters (yeah, I am that old). We called.

I left bound for Blighty to spend holidays with him. We married. I never went back. None of it was planned. It just happened. I was 21. The year was 1986.

We were married for 9 years, or if you like, until he became abusive and I decided I'd believed the *I will never do it again* once too many times.

In those 9 years we had our son. The highlight of our marriage.

He was a good dad even if not such a shinning husband. I cannot fault him as a father, to be fair.

Anyway, years passed. I had one serious relationship - 8 years. Did not want to get married or live together. It was just beyond my ability at that point.

After another brief but traumatic realtionship after that, I decided to give up. Completely. I just wanted to build up my business and be happy. Alone.

Then two years ago it all changed.

I met someone online. Not on a dating site, but a professional forum. All a bit complicated, as he is in the US and I am here (seeing a pattern yet?).
He came over in Feb 2008 and again last August and stayed for 6 months. He just left to go back to the US.

Right now, all is very strange and I do not really want to go into it because it is too painful, and I can't even be sure if I have any reason to be feeling this way, but I am.

However, it made me think of my cousin's question, when she found out my boyfriend is in the US...

I know you cannot choose who you fall for. But I had VOWED never to immigrate again. Once was enough of a trauma.... And here I am. Prepared (or used to be) to leave my country and home to move to the US, if that is what it takes.

My question here is: WHAT THE HELL AM I THNKING AND WY COULD I NOT HAVE FALLEN FOR A NICE, LOCAL BOY?

Are there any, for a start?

Guess I am thinking all this and feeling this way because of my current state of mind.

God. What a right royal mess I am at the moment.

Thanks for listening.

Andie.

Doctor, I'm depressed.... :0)

I need to go an see a doctor today. Not because I am depressed, but because I am possibly suffering from a bout of extreme anxiety, due to some personal issues - I hope I will sort them out soon and move on from this. I am not sure what the doctor can do for me, other than prescribe some drugs which will knock me out. No, thanks... I will only see the doctor because I fainted last week and I want to make sure there is nothing more sinister in it.

Personally, I think my brain just shut down in order to cool off.

Anyway, this all reminded me of a time, long ago, when I was having some serious issues at work and really became fairly depressed. This was the actual conversation which ensued:

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?" (not really that original)

Me: "Doctor, I am finding it hard to sleep and I feel very low and stressed with my situation at work"

Doctor: "Would you like some tablets to help you sleep?" (they offer them like sweeties, don't they?)

Me: "No, I'd rather be able to talk to someone. Maybe counselling or something"

Doctor: "Have you, at any point, considered suicide?"

Me: "No.... Do you think I should?"

The consultation ended at about there, with me feeling much better and leaving the doctor's surgery with a sick note for a week off work.

There is always a silver-lining.

Andie

My Childhood Song

If you are under 40, you probably do not know this song...

In fact, I think a lot of people way over 40 don't know it either.

It is my childhood song. It takes me back *home* and it has seen me through some hard times. I was 9 at the time (quick math will point you to 1973).

Have a listen. The words are very meaninful. To me, anyway. And please do not laugh at his unfeasibly bushy moustache! That would be cruel. His voice makes up for it...

1973 was a bad year for facial hair...

I Got A Name

Now you know me a little better...

Andie

Welcome to my world...

As the song goes.

I cannot really boast that mine is the worst, the best, the strangest or the simplest. But it is mine and I have to live in it with all its peculiarities, as we all have in our own lives. But I am grateful to be here and to have my health.

I would like to introduce myself:

My name is Andie. Well, actually, that is one of a number of nicknames I have been blessed with!

I am a 44 year old female. Mental age? Stuck at around 15.

I work in media and communications. Very exciting.

I have been married and am now divorced. It's ok. We are still friends. Mainly because I detest detesting people, and so I find it easier to get on with them.

I have a boyfriend, but right now this is a bit of a grey area. Maybe I will explain later.

I have a grown up(ish) son, who is 20.

I hate putting new tax discs on as I always rip the sides of it. Pesky perforations!

I owe a lot to my friends. Especailly right now. Though luckily it is not money!

I don't like politics, as I don't really get it.

I don't like organised religion because I get it.

I have strong faith and beliefs, but I never impose them on anyone else.


Anyway, I think that will give you a very brief insight into who I am.

I hope to put down everything (or most things) on this blog. About life, past experiences (it may help someone) and thoughts/musings. Someone may empathise.

Feel free to add comments and ask any questions. I am cool with that.

I have no idea what to write about first, or who will read it.. I guess that is part of the excitment. I have never kept a diary, yet now I feel ready to start putting things down and sharing.

Welcome to This Life Of Mine!

Andie